I hate fruits and vegetables. With a passion. I’ve never understood their purpose, except to make potentially tasty dishes suddenly taste like crunchy (or, even worse, mushy), watery, poison. Poison!
I can still recall perhaps the worst day of my life. It was a day like any other until I went to lunch with two of my “friends,” Rudy and Rick. As I was midway through ordering the teriyaki chicken, my so-called mates did me good by convincing me to order a bento box instead. As it turns out, a bento box is just chicken teriyaki that you pay more for because it comes with an order of vegetables. (I will never forgive those two for their treachery.)
I was so pissed that when I went home that night I vowed to create a Twitter account called IH8Veggies (or something equally clever) to proclaim not less than six times daily (but not more than eighteen, because, really, at that point people just kind of tune you out) my never-dying hatred for those most vile of all comestibles, plants. Sadly, I never followed through with my plan, but I did pen the following 13 scintillating tweets, which have never before been seen by human eyes. In honor of the relaunch of Tim Marquitz’s blog, I have decided to reveal these choice pearls of wisdom for the first time anywhere to you, loyal Marquitziacs. Enjoy!
1. “Fortune cookies and oranges, huh? I already know my waitress’s fortune: no tip.”
2. “The new guy at work just offered me some raisins. I just offered him his fucking pink slip.”
3. “Oh, this entrée comes with a salad, huh? Well, guess what? Now your fucking floor comes with a salad, too.”
4. “Oh, your organic garden is in full bloom, eh? Well, Carthage was in full bloom before some asshole salted the earth there, too.”
5. “Oh, it costs more to have soup instead of salad? Well it’s going to cost you a whole lot more than that when I burn this fucking restaurant down!”
6. “You say it’s not the onion making you cry, it’s me beating you with a fucking baseball bat? Well, maybe that’ll teach you not to serve me onions again, huh?”
7. “Do I want tomato on my burger? I don’t know. Do you want my fist in your eye socket?”
8. “You know what the difference is between V8 and Dran-O? Fucking nothing, they both go down the drain.”
9. “A mysterious fire at the PVGA will never be pinned on me. (But I still fucking did it.)”
10. “There’s a reason Chinese buffets are better than Chinese takeout: you can just leave the vegetable garbage under the lamps for the other patrons.”
11. “Fruit on the Bottom, eh? How convenient. That’ll make it easier to throw this yoghurt the fuck out.”
12. “Do I want soup or salad? How about this: do you want a kiss on the cheek or a kick in the throat?”
13. “Oh, my hot wings come with carrots and celery? Well, now your eyes come with some fucking hot sauce, how about that?”
Not bad, eh? Too bad I never followed through. But, in a way, I still got the last laugh.
You see, in my most recent novel, BILLY AND THE CLONEASAURUS, there are no more fruits or vegetables in the world. I’m sure this is at least partially wish fulfillment. I’ve always dreamt of a world where I could eat nothing but Ramen noodles and test tube-grown roast beef. Billy and his ilk get to live that dream! Every day! It sounds like heaven…
ABOUT THE NOVEL
Six billion identical clones make up the entire population of Earth, and William 790-6 (57th Iteration) is exactly like everybody else. In his one year of life he will toil in suburban mediocrity and spend as much cash as possible in order to please his corporate masters. When 790’s first birthday (and scheduled execution) finally rolls around, a freak accident spares his life.
Living past his expiration date changes 790 profoundly. Unlike other clones he becomes capable of questioning the futility of his own existence. Seeking answers in the wilderness, he discovers a windmill with some very strange occupants, including a freakish, dinosaur-like monstrosity. Which is especially strange since every animal on earth is supposed to be extinct…
Dark, haunting, and blisteringly satirical, BILLY AND THE CLONEASAURUS is the story of one “man’s” attempt to finally become an individual in a world of copies.
Buy it on Amazon - http://www.amzn.com/B00L7RXG6U/
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Stephen Kozeniewski lives with his wife and two cats in Pennsylvania, the birthplace of the modern zombie. During his time as a Field Artillery officer, he served for three years in Oklahoma and one in Iraq, where due to what he assumes was a clerical error, he was awarded the Bronze Star. He is also a classically trained linguist, which sounds much more impressive than saying his bachelor's degree is in German.